Caught Up

I would say the last week, maybe two, I'm starting to get off track. Just a little bit...off. I've been quite sick on and off since I've arrived over two months ago and I tend to hibernate in my bed to recover. I feel too weak to leave and my feeble stomach does me no favors. When I rise from my illness it takes all my spare time to get caught up on the tasks at hand and finish what I have committed to.

I'm getting to a point where I am losing the bright sense of joy that Africa has put on my heart and that endearing sense of belonging is slowly starting to escape me. I'm spending more time mourning the loss of my relationships back home than I am pursuing new ones with the people who are in association with me here. I never find myself in the mood to talk or be deliberate with anyone anymore. I'm slowly receding further into the furniture and losing the will to move forward. That's not to say I have regrets about my decision to embrace Africa as my new environment or that I don't love the people I work in community with; I am simply losing my motivation little by little and my heart is beginning to call home. I should have been ready for this, I should have known that it was impossible for me to avoid these feelings after the first few months of being here. I've been praying for God to speak into my life and remind me of what is truly important. I told Him I'd give Him everything, and He told me He would make it far worth my while. I cannot continue to stay focused on a chapter in my life that I have ended, I must look forward and prepare for what lies ahead. The more time I spend looking behind me, the longer it will be before I see the big picture. I have been called to be here, and I see it in a child's smile. I see it on the beautiful breezy days and at dinner with my family. I feel a sense of belonging no matter how hard I try to fight with it. I know that this is where God wants me, it's just a matter of being submissive to Him and allowing Him to use me as His vessel.

However, today the sun is shining and it's warming the ground. The plants are a new shade of green and the brightly colored African lizards are playing on the front porch. It's fairly quiet here on base, as Sundays generally are and after two days of ill hibernation, I'm reminded of the beauty that Africa holds in it's soul. I'm feeling blessed to be a part of it, and while I still don't really feel like talking, I'm sure I'll come around. It's a process as I'm slowly beginning to figure out and you never get to where you're going. You just continue to get closer, then step back maybe even take a running leap forward before you fall down again. The beautiful part of it all is that God never leaves us on the ground. His hand is always extended to help us back on our feet. I'm choosing to hold onto it and follow Him where he leads me.

[photo credits to Jen price]