I guess you could call this our first "real" blog entry. We've been in South Africa for two months now and for me, reality is sinking further into my skin every day. I wake up every morning and enjoy a hot cup of 5 Rose's chai tea with full cream milk, a dash of sugar and a drizzle of honey. I sit in the quiet and look around me and I'm still taken back by the scenery. We're in the middle of winter and instead of the colors being dull and lifeless, we have blooming red flowers on the trees and for the most part, the grass is still a lovely shade of green. You can see the landscape for miles and every inch of it is breath taking. If I really take a second to be observant, sometimes I can faintly smell the orange groves in the distance; of course that could be my imagination.
Even as I begin to finally settle in to the realization that I actually live here, I still can't help but wonder how I was lucky enough for God to have such big plans for my life. Sometimes I still want to pinch myself to make sure it's all real. Considering where I was 6 months ago, just testing the waters with Him, waiting tables, living in a suburban apartment feeling like I was heading for a dead end at 100 miles an hour, it's almost unbelievable to think that God had taken me so far so quickly. I struggle with not feeling worthy for the big plans He seems to have for me and sometimes I let that hold me back in my walk with Him. It sometimes feels too big for me to carry and for some reason, maybe just being so new to all this, I can't always be ready to trust Him. Silly right? I think we're working on it.
I'm sharing a room with my little sister who's 15, which feels like a whole world away from where I'm at coming from being on my own. It's been a bit of a pride issue with me, giving it all up and coming back to being a child again. On the other hand, and more importantly, it's been really awesome to have a family in them. It's been over ten years since we've all been together. Ten years ago, I didn't want a family and now here I am learning how to be a part of it. They're very gracious to let me back in and it's been quite a wonderful experience getting to know them on such a personal level. There's only so much you can learn about someone on holidays, birthdays, and weekly dinners. We see what's real in one another now and it's been good. I think eventually with their patience and my persistence I'll learn how to survive in a family environment, I'm just trying to find my place there. There isn't a better group of people to do it with, that much I know for sure.
One thing that amazes me in this whole endeavor, is that God loved me enough to let the love of my life come with me to take on this whole new adventure on the other side of the world. Some how it worked out that we could do all of this hand in hand with God right in the middle. It's been hard on us, sometimes it feels like this trip is really beating us up as a couple. God is testing us, it's so hard to have been so close and been put in the position where we have to take a huge step back. We're learning to get accustomed to the change our relationship has been forced to take and we know that if we can make it through this we can make it through anything. We are two incredibly blessed people and we are so grateful.
Although I've got to say, the best thing about all of this is the children. I've found this new side of me that I've never known was buried underneath my semi-hard exterior. When I see these kids, this nurturing, caring need to mother the motherless comes from deep within me. It just takes one smile to completely melt my heart. For instance, two nights ago Ryan spent the night with a few children whose mother had passed away earlier in the day. I tagged along in the evening to spend a couple of hours with them by fire-light. When I arrived I had a somber heart full of pity for the children, but they showed me that nothing can hide the joy of the Lord in a child's heart. There was one girl in particular who truly changed me with her smile. She sat in my lap and sang hymes with me, and it was all I could do to just hold her and rub her back, and it was all she could do to give me the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I swear I saw God in her face, and she reminded me of why I am here. She reminded me that I need Africa more than Africa needs me.
I just want to take a second to truly thank everyone from the bottom of my heart that made this possible for us. It was your love that helped us come to far and your belief in us that helped us to believe in ourselves. We love you, absolutely and completely. Check back soon, I'll try to acually keep up with this thing...
-A
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Very Touching Amanda , Ga Ga & Pop Pop Loves you so much , Always , and we miss you so much.
ReplyDeleteps: Amanda & Ryan we truly love & miss you both.We are so proud of ya'll, you've truly grown up since you've been in Africa,but never forget how much we also need & miss you,You & Ryan do God's work for he has called you for this mission & you can complete it. We know how much love you have in your heart no matter how much you tried to hide it, those kids need that love more right now so we'll share you until you come home , just give them our love, also it will be double love they receive , never forget we love you & pray for you every day to be safe & happy until our next blog , we love you & ryan, Ga Ga & Pop Pop.
thank you so much for the encouragement. I love you so much, you make me so happy and i miss you so much!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Amanda & Ryan , did you get the Money gift we sent also? lol Ga Ga & Pop Pop.
ReplyDeleteLooking into the smile of a child whose loss is so great that it's like standing at the brink of such unfathomable depths... how then a smile and not a scowl, a gritting of the teeth, a frown so deep that pain wells right up within you? And yet, wisdom is found in the healing of such pain, laughter begins to guard the memory, fear starts to fall away and perhaps bravery sets in, to allow a child abandoned by the expected way of things to become resilient and let another step in whom also can love and believe in them. You might then feel at once important and as though some meaning of things was given to you like a gift, to be treasured and stored in the safest of places with in you. You might then find yourself glancing to the heavens, where perhaps a soul who has departed now finds them selves at home. And, you, at a loss for words… simply, “Thank you.”
ReplyDeleteAaron
For: Amanda and Ryan